DEAR ABBY: My husband of 30 years has felt that I was not good enough for him. He would flirt with other women and say things to me about an ex-girlfriend he broke up with before he married his first wife. (I caught her private messages.) He has told me four different times that we should break up. The first three times, I cried about it. The last time he said that, I told him not to say that to me again.
I have always tried my best to be a good wife to him. He is verbally abusive most of the time. When I see him coming home from work, my stomach twists in knots because I don’t know what kind of mood he’s in. It can be good at times, but not that often. I’m going to be 50 and I’m not sure if I want to live like this the rest of my life. Help, please. — UNHAPPY IN PENNSYLVANIA
Unhappiness: It is important to recognize that you are married to an emotional abuser. He maintains his power in your relationship by eroding your sense of self-esteem. Talk to a licensed mental health professional about the treatment you have endured for the past 30 years and your desire to rebuild your shattered self-esteem. It may take time to achieve, but it will be money well spent.
At some point you can ask your husband to go with you, but don’t expect him to automatically agree. Once you feel better about yourself, you can then make a well-thought-out decision about whether to stay married to him.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 56-year-old man who has been with a good guy, age 50, for 20 years. We were married two years ago. He is a professor; I am a clinician. We have spent the last 20 years building our beautiful lives advancing our careers, traveling to 80 countries, wining and dining in the best places in the world and nurturing lasting friendships with people all over the planet.
Five years ago, I felt a sense of emptiness despite our happiness and I talked to him about children. He was firmly against it. I let it go, but now that emptiness is tearing me up inside. I am at the point of giving up my life with him to have a child on my own through adoption or IVF with a surrogate. His biggest question is how his comfortable life will be changed forever. It’s my thing to get those last few drops of incomplete happiness before it’s too late. Please advise. — Satisfied but incomplete
DEAR HBI: If your husband is adamant that he doesn’t want his lifestyle to change, he probably doesn’t realize that, with you out of the picture, he will change anyway. And it is not inconceivable that someone who is afraid of the responsibility of raising a child may have a change of heart and fall in love with the little person after meeting him or her. If your couple could ever use marriage counseling, it’s the two of you who will help you determine if a compromise can be reached.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069
